Global Cooling

It’s that time of year again. Time to utilize your favorite hangover cure. The football buzz has finally come to an end, at least until April’s NFL draft, and so many Americans are feeling the aftershock. Miami is recovering from its three-week party that played host to the astoundingly meaningless Pro Bowl, the media circus that – for some reason – glorified the opinions of every former player, coach or ball boy that could spell ESPN and finally climaxed with Super Bowl XLIV.

Whether you pulled for football’s favorite son Peyton Manning’s Colts, or annoyed everyone within earshot of you by shouting yourself hoarse hollering “Who Dat!”, there is no doubt that the comedown from the 2009-10 football season requires a remedy.

I’m not going to prescribe you simpleton cures like hot coffee and a cold shower, no wimpy Advil, and definitely not a bloody mary. My recommendation is much more epic. So epic that the entire planet will be taking part, so incredible that it only happens once every four years.

Follow these directions and enjoy.

In a mixing bowl big enough for Earth’s premier winter sports festival, combine one part NBC, three and a half cups of patriotism – it doesn’t matter the country – a dash of Vancouver’s most unpredictable winter weather and exactly 2,701 of the world’s most elite athletes. Watch the results over a span of 16 February days that will include an opening and closing ceremony, all the skis, snowboards, ice skates, sleds, skeletons, superpipes, halfpipes and ice rinks that a human being can handle. Top it all off with bronze, silver and a whole lot of – hopefully American – gold medals.

There you have it. That is the most effective cure for the slobberknocking hangover that notoriously follows the end of football season comedown that plagues so many American’s between the ages of 0 and 104.

The skeptics argue that the Summer Olympics have lost their luster – with the exception of Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt – so how can they be expected to watch a bunch of goons in glittery, skintight snowsuits prance and dance around on ice skates or what ever curling is?

Well how about the dizzying curves that bobsledders, lugers and skeleton sliders must navigate at speeds maxing out at about 120 mph. Ever heard of ice hockey phenom Sid “the kid” Crosby? Sure he’s famous for leading the Pittsburgh Penguins to the 2008-9 Stanley Cup, but he’s deking towards his first gold medal for team Canada. Don’t forget the bitter rivalry between him and Russian sharp-shooter and Washington Capitals’ captain, Alexander Ovechkin.

I didn’t even mention the suffocating drama that exists between team USA and their alienated, first ever African-American short track speed skater, Shani Davis. Davis nearly quit the team following the he said / she said drama of the 2006 games, and because of a six-figure sponsorship by TV funnyman Stephen Colbert. His sport is no joke.

Last, but certainly not least, name one reason not to witness team USA’s golden girl, Lindsey Vonn. She will be gracefully gliding down the mountains of Whistler, a ski resort / winter paradise, on the Alpine Ski tracks going faster than most speed limits allow us to drive. She does it all while looking like a supermodel that every gent in America would love to take to his senior prom.

So if you want to instantly cure your pigskin withdrawal, then go grab a cup of steaming cocoa or coffee, put on your warmest skullcap and get comfortable in front the best possible HD TV. Click on NBC and experience the awe-inspiring excellence that Vancouver has gift wrapped for your viewing pleasure. If you miss it, all’s not lost, but you’ll have to wait until the 2014 games in Sochi, Russia.

Plus it’s a great hold-me-over until the madness of March’s NCAA basketball tournament.

Get it. Got it. Good.