‘Machete’ cuts with dull edge

"Machete" is almost a review-proof movie.

Just like "Twilight," "Grindhouse," or any other niche-crowd film, most people will either endorse or hate the film from the second they see the trailer or hear the plot.

As it just so happens, I'm one of the people who just can't go into "Machete" and do anything but squirm with a confusing mixture of apathetic boredom and unmitigated hatred. You may not agree, but I urge you to consider what I'm putting forward.

Machete (Danny Trejo) originally appeared as a character in "Spy Kids," but since then he seems to have grown into a comic infamy from his own dedicated trailer in the "Grindhouse" project.

The trailer was an incredible action-exploitation parody, just short and irreverent enough to keep the audience laughing. Unfortunately, what was essentially a hilarious three-minute trailer doesn't translate well to the big screen.

The original trailer had a constant, mind-numbing excessiveness. Almost every frame was filled with gore or nudity or '70s-style silliness. It reveled in its own stupidity, which made it beautiful.

Unfortunately, somewhere in the transition from funny trailer to feature film, director Robert Rodriguez acquired a tragically specific case of amnesia that made him forget how to be entertaining.

The final cut of the film sacrifices all of its mindless fun in an attempt to be deep and controversial, which really doesn't work.

Whenever Rodriguez can find time to interrupt Machete's rigorous schedule of murder and sex, he consistently delves into a series of unfathomably dull and poorly written political speeches, all related to immigration and Mexican nationalism.

The movie always tries to regain its comedic edge again afterwards, but like swan diving into a pool of dried cement, the chances of recovery were slim – especially upon repetition.

Rodriguez should really stick with one theme and stop playing genre hopscotch with the audience. The constant tonal change from comedy to action to drama, wash, rinse, repeat is a jarring and amateur mistake. Had the full movie stayed with its original one-note premise – large Mexican man wielding a trench coat full of machetes seeks revenge for random betrayal – it would have been fantastic.

It's not like I don't get the joke Rodriguez is trying to sell us – I really do understand it. I know he thinks that old school B-movies are awesome and that cornball humor is timeless. In a sense he's right, but he misses the key point of why retro movies are awesome in the first place.

They take themselves seriously despite the awful production values and laughable premises. Their gift is unintentional humor, and trying to replicate that seriously defeats the entire point of the joke.

If you want that gritty experience that "Machete" aimed for, just go watch an actual retro exploitation movie or even one of Rodriguez's other action pieces. He's capable of making a good movie; this just wasn't it.

On Friday, Sept. 10, the fourth installment of the "Resident Evil" series, "Resident Evil: Afterlife," hits theaters. Based on a popular video game, the film follows main character Alice (Mila Jovovich) on a search for survivors in a post-apocalypse world overrun with zombies.

Also on Friday, Sept. 10, coming-of-age family drama "Legendary" comes to theaters. The film depicts Mike Chetley (John "The Marine" Cena) trying to reunite his estranged family through amateur wrestling. Mike uses the help of Red (Danny Glover) to bring his brother Cal and widowed mother together.

1.5 out of 5 stars

A 20th Century Fox production

Written/Directed by Robert Rodriguez

Starring Danny Trejo, Robert DeNiro, and Jessica Alba

Rated R for strong bloody violence throughout, language, some sexual content and nudity.